Train Derailed
by WeaselGirl-sama
Summary: What happens when Kenshin loses his washtub? And is it possible to speak Spanish when all you know is Japanese? Find out! And please review, because I need more ideas! XP
1. Chapter 1: Washtub?

Train Derailed

By Weasel Girl-sama

Hi. Weasel Girl-sama here. Don't bother looking for any sort of plot in this one. I just decided to start a fanfic in a normal Kenshin-gumi morning and go from there to see what would happen. For all I know, by the time I finish it they may all be dead or on crack. I may include Amarante in this one too… don't know. If you haven't read 'When The Amaranth Fades', Amarante is a character that I made up, and she's pretty much based off me. If she weren't, I wouldn't have paired her up with Sano. Mwahahahaha…

Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't want to own it. It would probably be more trouble than it's worth to own it. I just want to write my fanfics 'k?

No, this has nothing to do with trains. Or I don't think it does…

Chapter 1: Washtub?

Morning sun filters in as Kenshin's eyes pop open. He smiles to himself. He can hear birds chirping and the sun is already warm, dissolving the last dregs of sleep and nighttime. The air smells faintly sweet. _It's going to be a perfect day…_ he thinks to himself…_to do the laundry._ (What did you expect? A perfect day to teach Yahiko Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu?) He gets swiftly to his feet and heads for the door…

Once out in the dojo yard, Kenshin begins to look for his washtub. Hmmm, now this was strange. The washtub is not where he had left it. Perhaps Kaoru-dono has put it somewhere…? He begins to search with some thing less than his usual calm.

"Kenshin…?" Kaoru's voice holds concern as well as confusion "What are you looking for…?" Kenshin looks up at her form in the doorway. "I seem to have misplaced the washtub." Kaoru claps a hand to her mouth to stifle her giggle. Kenshin chooses to ignore this and continues. "Do you happen to know where…?"

A Few Hours Later:

Kenshin rolls on the floor, twitching. " Kaoru-dono, be polite. Don't stand there ignoring the little bunnies and pixies. You'll hurt their feelings." He turns to a nearby sandal. "Don't mind her, she doesn't understand. She can't help it…"He goes on having an interesting conversation with the sandal, while Yahiko begins to question Kaoru.

" What's the matter with him, ugly?"

"DON'T CALL ME UGLY AGAIN!"

"It's not my fault that it's true."

"GRRR!"

"Maa, maa. You're frightening the elves."

Kaoru and Yahiko turn to stare at Kenshin. "Uh, what's the matter with him again…?" Yahiko looks at Kaoru for an explanation. Kaoru sighs heavily. "He's been away from his washtub too long…"

Yahiko stares at her for a minute more, then bursts out laughing. "You're…you're joking, right?" Kaoru sighs again, "I wish I were. I mean, just _look_ at him! And it just gets progressively worse!"

Kenshin chooses this moment to rejoin their conversation. "Dónde esta el sandwich de pollo? Soy frito. Te gusta feo? "

Kaoru and Yahiko look at each other, sweatdrops stand out clearly on their heads. Kaoru speaks first. "Uhh… what did he say?" "How should I know, I don't speak Mexican." "Mexican isn't a language, you baka." "Well, whatever language he's speaking in, I don't speak it." " Tienes una problema? No habla en Español? Lo siento, pero no comprendo. Tengo mucho sueño. No puedo ir al baño. Te gustaria ir al plátano? " Kenshin directed this last question to Kaoru. "Uhh… what?" "Te gustaria ir al plátano?" "Uhh…yes?" Kenshin smiles happily. Yahiko, on the other hand, looks rather nervous. "Um, are sure about this, Kaoru? I mean, you have no idea what you just agreed to!" Kaoru shrugs. "I'm not really worried. Now, if this were Sano, I _would_ be worried, and I'd rather not elaborate why, if you get my drift." "But this would never happen to Sano." "What makes you say that?" Yahiko raises an eyebrow. "Do you honestly think Sano would go crazy over losing a_ washtub?_" "Mmm, good point" "I know it is." "You can shut up now." "No, I'd rather not, Ugly" "WHY YOU…!" "OI! What's going on here? You two fighting again?" Sano strides over to them. His eyes fall on Kenshin. "What's his problem?" " Well…He lost his washtub. Apart from that, we don't really know…" Yahiko suddenly gets a sly grin on his face. " Why don't you ask him, Sano?" Sano, missing the grin, shrugs and turns to Kenshin. "Oi, Kenshin, what's the matter?" Kenshin looks up at him inquisitively "Qué? " Sano turns back to the other two. "Nope, can't help you." "Help with what, Sano?" Amarante has appeared over his shoulder. "AHH! Amarante, don't _do_ that! You did that the first time we met and nearly gave me a heart attack! " "Eehehehehehe! Anyway, help with what?" "Kenshin, he's lost it." Amarante grins. "Ahh, so Kaoru made a move on him, did she? Mmm, better luck next t-" " I DID NO SUCH THING!" "No? Really, I'd have expected you to have gotten your act together by now!" Sano grins at her. "Look who's talking!" "Oh, shut up Sano. You were different, harder to confront. Besides having the same last name as me, which is kind of weird." "Meaning it was I who had to confront you instead, right?" "I thought I told you to shut up." "But I know you're not serious." Amarante rolls her eyes. "Whether I'm serious or not doesn't make a difference." "Yes it does" "Why does it?" "Because, if you're serious, you'll punish me!" Sano looks a bit upset at the idea of Amarante's method of 'punishing'. Kaoru, on the other hand, looks interested. (She hasn't caught on yet) " You've found a way to punish the rooster head?" Amarante grins evilly, and starts slyly playing with one of her pigtails. "Yup. You wouldn't be able to use it on him, though" "WHAT? What is it, do you think I'm not strong enough, or something!" Sano rolls his eyes. "Jou-chan, you obviously haven't caught on yet…" "Huh?" Amarante drops the conversation and turns to Sano. "Can I talk to Kenshin now?" Sano laughs. "You can try, Amarante, you can (WAI! 1000 WORDS!) try." She kneels beside Kenshin. "Kenshin…?" "Sí? " Her eyes widen in realization. "Ohhh…Spanish!" She leans forward. "Kenshin, tienes una problema?" "Sí, dónde esta el sandwich de pollo? Soy frito. Te gustaria ir al plátano?" "Lo siento, Kenshin, pero no puedo. " Kenshin looks disappointed. "No puedes?" "No." Sano and Kaoru exchange surprised looks. Since when does Amarante speak Spanish?

Amarante stands up and turns to face them. "I don't know what his problem is, but, whatever it is, it isn't good." Kaoru looks concerned. "Why? What did he say?" Amarante puts a hand to her forehead in a gesture of exasperation. "You don't want to know. He asked me where the chicken sandwich was, and then told me he was fried. Then asked me if I wanted to go to the banana. What brought this on, anyway?" Kaoru shrugs. "Lost his washtub." She replies simply. Amarante frowns. "I'd say he was a lost cause, but then, I'm not a doctor." Sano raises an eyebrow. "Maybe we should find a _real_ doctor, then." Amarante's form goes rigid and her eyes narrow. When she speaks, it comes out an angry hiss, her voice higher than usual, and her words a little bit slurred. _" Oh? Perhaps a doctor like…**Takani**?"_ She is seething. Sano's face darkens as well. "No, not a doctor like Takani. " They both still look angry. Kaoru attempts to break the tension in the air. " Look, the problem is Kenshin, not Megumi. A regular doctor wouldn't be any help anyway…" Amarante relaxes a bit and laughs. "Yeah, what we need is a shrink!" Sano laughs too, and says jokingly, "He's already short enough, we don't want to shrink him!" Amarante hits Sano in the back of the head, still laughing. "Not like that, baka! I meant a _psychiatrist_!" "I know what you meant! I was just kidding! AND DON'T MESS UP MY HAIR!" Amarante rolls her eyes. "I didn't mess up your hair! It's physically impossible to mess up your hair! What do you use in it, anyway, super glue?" Sano shifts his eyes from side to side. "Maaayyybeee…" Amarante and Kaoru: SWEATDROP… Amarante looks around. "Hey where's Yahiko…?" Kaoru looks around. Her face paled. "WHERE'S KENSHIN!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

Notes:

What Kenshin said the first time he starts speaking Spanish (yes, that is what he's speaking): "Where is the chicken sandwich? I am fried. Do you like ugly?"

Second time: "Do you have a problem? Do you not speak in Spanish? I'm sorry, but I don't understand. I am very sleepy. I cannot go to the bathroom. Would you like to go to the banana?"

Third: "What?"

I forgot to mention, Amarante is based off me, yes, but she's about 18, 'k? Oh, and the name 'Amarante' means 'Flower that never fades'. I believe it comes from 'Amaranth'which is an actual flower that, according to legend is said to never fade.

Amarante's laugh, the 'Eehehehehehe!' NO, it is not an opposite of Megumi's 'Ohohohohoho!' I actually laugh like that.

Amarante's pigtails. OK, Amarante's hair is rrreeeaaalllyyy long. About to halfway down her thighs. She always wears it in two long pigtails at the back of her head. Oh, and it's also purple. Sort of. A bit. Not really. It's actually black, tinged with purple. Sweet, huh? I think so. Her dress is red and her hair ribbons are green, because an amaranth's blooms are always red, purple, or green. Her hair was purple before, but I added the other costume colors when I found out what an amaranth was.

More Spanish: I think everyone knows what 'si' means…but in case you don't, it means 'yes'

Kenshin and Amarante's conversation (translated from Spanish, of course)

Amarante: Kenshin, do you have a problem?

Kenshin: Yes, where is the chicken sandwich? I am fried. Would you like to go to the banana?

Amarante: I'm sorry, Kenshin, but I can't.

Kenshin: You can't?

Amarante: No.

Yes, when I get really, really angry, I actually talk that way.

Amarante is _not_ angry with Sano, she's angry with Megumi. She hates her. This is one of the few differences between Amarante and Weasel Girl-sama. I don't hate Megumi; I think she's OK. Amarante's view of Megumi, however…

Notice how both Amarante and Sano call Megumi 'Takani', while Kaoru still calls her Megumi? This is because Sano no longer views her as a friend, and Amarante _never_ viewed her as a friend. Kaoru thinks she's OK.

Wow, that was a lot of author's notes!

COMING SOON: Chapter 2, Where's Kenshin?

Chapter 2: Where's Kenshin?


	2. Chapter 2: Where’s Kenshin?

Chapter 2: Where's Kenshin?

(Hi, all you crazy people who like crazy fanfics. There's a special guest star in this chapter, so look out for him! Not that you could really miss him…)

Kenshin wanders the streets, wondering vaguely where he was. He missed talking with the pixie, (the sandal) whose name was Gin, but he couldn't stand being with those annoying, arguing people that acted as though they knew him…

He walks through the market, still muttering in Spanish under his breath, getting weird looks from people who didn't know Spanish, and even weirder ones from people that did. Suddenly, something catches his eye. It's a big, new, round…(you guessed it)…washtub. Kenshin's practically salivating. _Washtub…_ He walks over to the stall selling the washtubs, and picks it up, turning it in his hands, admiring every detail, checking for any faults. It is perfect.

"You gonna buy that?"

Kenshin looks up to see a very large…woman…glaring at him from behind the stall. He opens his mouth, and then realizes the predicament he's in.

"Uhh…this one doesn't have any money…" (He's now speaking Japanese)

The woman leers at him. "You wanna do some laundry to pay for it?"

Kenshin's eyes light up, and he nods briskly. He follows the woman to a colossal, fantastically putrid pile of the most revolting laundry in the history of civilization. Kenshin's nose starts to bleed. He sits down and begins scrubbing away in earnest.

Sanosuke, Amarante, and Kaoru all leave the dojo to search for Kenshin. They would search for Yahiko too, except they don't really care. After all, as Amarante put it, "If we find him while we're looking for Kenshin, then we've found him. And if we don't, who gives a damn?"

The three of them decide that the logical place for Kenshin to be would be the marketplace, so he could buy another washtub. Then again, with Kenshin's current train of thought, (Ha! Train!), who could trust logic?

At the market, Weasel Girl-sama joins them. Her speech is slightly inhibited by some cheap Easter chocolate she bought 50 off at Eckerd.

"Ah shuggess oo try oer shere." She swallows the chocolate and tries again. "I mean, I suggest you try over there." She points to a stall selling washtubs, managed by a large, rather mannish woman. Amarante and Sano look at each other, then shrug, while Kaoru goes to talk to the woman.

"Excuse me, but have you seen a short, red-ha…"

The rest of her question is cut off by an excited scream from Weasel Girl-sama:

"SEPHY!"

Sephiroth had been wandering the streets, wondering why he was suddenly in early Meiji Era, Japan, when he heard someone yell his name. Or, something like his name.

"SEPHY!"

He groans, because he recognizes that voice. It's HER. He wants to run, but before he takes even two steps, a very excited, and surprisingly strong Weasel Girl-sama tackles him from behind. He pries her off him slowly and stands up, brushing himself off. Weasel Girl-sama remains sitting on the ground, looking blissfully up at Sephiroth. He glares down at her.

"If you do that again, I'll slash you."

"NO YOU WON'T!" She cries joyfully, and jumps on him again, sending them both into the dust all over again.

Meanwhile, Kaoru has successfully retrieved Kenshin, who was rather reluctant to leave the washing. She returns to find Weasel Girl-sama missing, but then is informed that she is just talking to an 'old friend'.

Sano watches Weasel Girl-sama and 'Sephy' with a pout on his face. "I don't get it," he finally says. "I thought Weasel Girl-sama liked ME."

Amarante frowns at him. "What about me? I like you. What do you want, a freakin' fan club?" To which Sano mutters something that makes Amarante kick him in the back of the head.

"So what are you doing in Japan, Sephy?"

Weasel Girl-sama is leading Sephiroth over to the rest of the group. He glares down at her, because she's too short to glare up at. (I'm actually not that short, but in comparison to Sephiroth, everyone is short.)

"You should know, you're the author of this stupid story, and therefore, you must know everything that goes on here."

Weasel Girl-sama rolls her eyes to the sky, in a 'strike me down now' type gesture. "I'm just trying to make conversation."

"Then stop trying."

"Why do you always have to be such a cold-hearted bastard?"

"I'm not ALWAYS… just most of the time."

"I give up. You're hopeless."

"Does that mean you're gonna shut up now?"

"No. What's up with you, Sephy? You talk differently now. You used to always talk about The Reunion, and punishing the humans and stuff. What happened?"

Sephiroth begins to mumble, "Aerith tried to summon Holy, to counter Meteor, and my plans were foiled. But I killed her. And Cloud killed me. And everyone lived happily ever after, the end."

"That sucks… but… if you're dead, why are you still alive?"

"Because people want me to be alive, so I can't die. Aerith's alive too, even though I killed her."

"What people want you to be alive?"

"Oh, you know… throngs of adoring admirers, fanatics, devotees, fangirls …probably even some fanboys."

"Is that because they think you're a girl?"

"WHAT! NO, it's because I'm so beautiful, and they WISH I was a girl."

"You're much more conceited than before, too."

"I have reason to be."

They've now rejoined the group. After everyone had been introduced, and Sephiroth had looked over the women with a critical eye, and glared mistrustfully at the men, including Kenshin, even though he isn't really sure if he's male or female, everyone decided it was time to go home. Before the author had a chance to make anything else weird happen.

(Chapter end! Yay! Are there any Sephy fans out there? I mean, reading my story? Wait, no one DOES read my story… sigh Next chapter preview: A little 'Guy talk' with Kenshin, Sano, Yahiko, and, of course, Sephy! Plus, a cool car that really doesn't fit the times or the country, but I don't care! )

COMING SOON: Chapter 3: I Have No Idea What The Title Of This Chapter Is!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: I Have No Idea What The Title Of This Chapter Is!

_Sephy_…

Sephiroth groans and rolls over.

…_are you asleep…?_

Something is poking him in the forehead.

_Wake up, Sephy._

He opens one eye. Weasel Girl-sama is standing over him, patiently poking him in the forehead. "Are you awake now, Sephy?"

He opens the other eye. "Stop calling me Sephy."

"What should I call you?"

"Sephiroth is fine. So is, Rightful Owner Of The Planet, Lord Sephiroth. Or, Badass, Incredibly Sexy, Pimp Sephiroth."

"You're very strange, Sephy. You're not a pimp."

"Heh, heh, if only you knew. Err, did I say that out loud? I did, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

"Damn. Remind me next time not to say things that I don't want you to know."

"How am I supposed remind you not to say things you don't want me to know, if I don't know what you don't want me to know because you don't want me to know them?"

"I have no idea what you just said."

Weasel Girl-sama sighs. "Never mind. I just came to tell you, that you'll be spending most of the day with the guys, because Kaoru, Amarante, Megumi, and I are going out. Amarante and Megumi decided to call a truce for the day, so they wouldn't be fighting the whole time. I'll see you later."

Sephiroth groans again as she leaves. Maybe he'd just go drive around in his car for a while. People in the early Meiji Era didn't have cars, so there wouldn't be any traffic. Yay. That also meant no one to appreciate his magnificent car. Oh well.

Sephiroth proceeds to dress himself. He then went to his sleek, salient sports car. There, on the window of his beautiful, black Viper(Can't you just imagine that? A black Viper is perfect for Sephiroth!), Weasel Girl-sama had placed a sticky note, which read:

Hey, Sephy-

I know you probably don't wanna hang around with the guys, and will most likely want to go diving in you're car. Well, forget it. You've got hardly any gas left, and there aren't any gas stations in early Meiji Era, Japan.

Have fun with the guys! Heh, heh.

- Weasel Girl-sama

Sephiroth pulls the note off the window and crushes it in his fist. Then he carefully examines the window of the Viper to see if the sticky note has left a mark. It hasn't, and Sephiroth climbs in, because he can go a little way, having some gas left. He glares in annoyance at the gas gauge before starting the engine.

After realizing there was nothing to see, Sephiroth returns to the dojo. Sano, Kenshin, and Yahiko(who had reappeared mysteriously in the night) are all standing around, and watch as Sephiroth drives up. Sephiroth gets out of his Viper.

"Funny… I'm a character from a predominately Japanese game, developed by a predominately Japanese company, and yet I drive a big American sports car…"

Sano looks amused. "Hmm… a big sword and a big car… You're compensating for something, aren't you, Sephy?"

A blood vessel twitches in Sephiroth's temple at the adopted nickname, but he answered calmly. "No, actually my package is quite large, thank you. In fact, it's so big, that I have to use the sword as comparison, so it will seem smaller."

This confuses Yahiko. "Why would you want it to seem smaller?"

"So women will not think it's to big to fit in."

"That was… much more than I wanted to know."

"Oh… I am sorry. I'm afraid that I am not familiar with Japanese ways."

"I don't care where you are, you just don't say stuff like that. It's… disgusting."

Sephiroth glared at Yahiko, before whipping out his sword and slicing him in half. Sano and Kenshin dodge the huge blade. Kenshin looks shocked.

"You just killed Yahiko!"

Sephiroth glares down at Yahiko. "He'll live." He growls.

"YOU SLICED HIM IN HALF!"

"Don't blame me- the author likes to kill off Yahiko. YOU killed him in that other story she wrote."

"This one didn't mean to!"

"Sure you didn't. You know you hate him like everyone else does."

Sano looks surprised. "How did you know we all hate Yahiko?"

Sephiroth smirks. "It's easy to tell. How could anyone like him? He's so goddamn annoying."

Kenshin cries, "How would you know? You just met him!"

"Point being…?"

"THAT IS MY POINT!"

"You're annoying too. What's your name?"

"Himura Kenshin. Why?"

"Hmm. I'll have to remember to put that name on my 'death list', I mean, 'annoying people list'. Yeah. 'Annoying people list'. Not 'death list'."

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"

Kenshin, Sanosuke, and Sephiroth all turn to see Kaoru, Megumi, and Amarante standing in the doorway, looking at the lifeless Yahiko. (Weasel Girl-sama got bored and went home) Kaoru clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Oh Kami-sama, my only student! Megumi, can you help him?"

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, he's kind of… how can I put this… CUT IN HALF!"

Then Sano added, "And he wasn't you're only student- what about that kid in Germany… what's his name… Yutaro?"

Kaoru blinks. "Hey, you're right. Wow, I guess we don't really need Yahiko after all… Oh well. No one really liked him anyway."

Everyone nodded, except Kenshin, who was in denial that he had disliked someone who wasn't evil.

(Hi! Chapter end! This was much shorter than the others because I got bored of this chapter. If you people want to read the story Sephy mentions, its called 'Yahiko's Birthday', and it was the first fanfic I ever wrote. It's a one-shot piece, and it ends fast, but oh well. It's still one of my favorites. I hope there isn't anyone who read this and got offended because I killed off Yahiko, and they like Yahiko. Oh, who am I kidding, NO ONE likes Yahiko. Personally, he's probably my least favorite character. But then again, I hate Kenshin too… hmm… Whatever.)

COMING SOON TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU: Chapter 4; Yet another chapter of this stupid fic!


	4. Chapter 4 OMG Your still reading this

Chapter 4: Do you really care about reading this?

I didn't think you would. But you're here, so you must…

Ok, I don't even know why I'm still writing this. I swore off this story nearly a year ago… Whatever. My head hurts, so please be kind… Ahh, listening to 'Woke From Dreaming' by the Delgados. Mmm, soothing…

Anyway, I don't own RK, and I barely know what's going on in this story… Hell, I barely know what's going on in the series anymore. I kind of stopped reading the mangas after the 12th one… ; Then I got into Magic Knight Rayearth… tried to write a fic for that, before deciding I can't write fanfiction worth shit… Yet I'm still here… Life is confusing… See, the thing is, I don't want to waste any really good ideas on fanfiction, so what I write is really crappy… shrugs On to the fic…

Suddenly, WeaselGirl-Sama appeared out of nowhere, holding out a piece of paper to Sephiroth. "Telegram. From someone called Sora. Something about you being late for a battle…"

Kenshin looked at WeaselGirl-Sama with surprise as Sephiroth left. "Eto… WeaselGirl-dono—"

"-Sama"

"WeaselGirl-_Sama… You aren't supposed to read other people's mail!"_

WeaselGirl-Sama shrugged, then jumped as someone appeared behind her. It was an old man, holding something behind his back. "Excuse mee," The old man said in a heavy Chinese accent, "Might you be Himula?"

WeaselGirl-Sama stared at him wide- eyed, then shrieked, "IT'S OLD MAN PANTS! WE ARE ALL DOOOOOOMED!"

For a moment, time seemed to slow. Everyone turned to stare at her like she was crazy, and she stared like they were crazy.

"What's an old man pants?"

"You don't know Old Man Pants? Haven't you ever played any fighting video games? In most games like that, there's an old man, often Chinese, who is really strong. He is known, collectively, as Old Man Pants!"

"Quite collect, young rady! And now, Mistah Himula, I have something I must give to you…"

He started to pull his arm from behind his back, drawing out the mystery object, which we all know was probably some sort of weapon to fight Kenshin with…

(WeaselGirl-Sama: No it wasn't!)

Okay…

…Which we all know was probably Kaoru tied up as a hostage…

(WeaselGirl-Sama: Of course not!)

Alright…

…Which was probably an Easter basket, because Old Man Pants is really the Easter Bunny!

(WeaselGirl-Sama: No he's not!)

You're right, he's Santa Claus.

(WeaselGirl-Sama: Get to the friggin' point already!)

FINE!

…Which we all know was…

"MY WASHTUB!"

And, indeed it was!

"Now, sil, this is a velly fine washtub, yes. I wele not wanting to give it up, no. I much want to keep it for meserf. But I thought to bling it back to you. Why, sil? In order, yes," Cried Old Man Pants, "To charrenge you fol it!"

That's all I can type now… Sorry, my brain can't think right now. . 


End file.
